Hello and apologies. Once again I’m a little late with the update. The truth is, the last four weeks have been all over the place, and at times not at all kind to me physically, hormonally, emotionally or professionally.

If I had to describe this most recent cycle of HRT in three words it would be: Exhausting, variable, and unstable.

Exhausting because despite being in the third month of this trial, my sleep is not really anymore settled and fatigue has been really crippling me. I’m so tired during the day and we’re not talking just a few yawns here or there, it’s a real physical inability to keep my eyes open. I’m still struggling to remember what I walked into a room for and small things that may have seemed insignificant in isolation are problematic with reoccurrence: things like sending Ciara to school in her PE kit on the wrong day and similar. Combining this with parenting a one year old stunt man and six year old diva, is not cool. It’s also quite dangerous. Unsurprisingly of course there are sans day time naps, thus perpetuating the cycle of exhaustion.

Variable is the big one. I’ve felt physically unwell for weeks but have managed to keep a level of emotional equilibrium. I’ve lost my hair, I’ve lost hope and I’ve felt really unsettled. I’ve also had days where I’ve felt extremely hopeful, excited, energetic and healthy. So far there’s really no real tell to suggest HRT is working miracles or not, because the symptoms are still so variable and as mentioned I’ve actually felt quite a lot worse physically for the last few weeks. What’s unclear though, is whether this is related to the HRT at all, is it Fibro, is it from starting new statin medication? Or is it indeed the usual hormonal hell experienced during a cycle in which I am still ovulating?

Unstable. I mention this because the simple fact that this process is soooooo variable makes me feel a little unstable. I have hope, I really do, that this will improve.

The thing about hope is though, you always have to be holding onto it. If you drop it, it’s gone, ‘poof’ and all of the trial and error of the last three months is worthless.

divamum

Upsides:

I don’t want to be the person that puts you off giving this stage in the PMDD treatment pathway a go. I wouldn’t still be slogging it out if there wasn’t some evidence based merit to using combination HRT to treat PMDD. So I’ll let you into the upsides, the positives I’ve experienced since I’ve been on this latest hormonal rollercoaster.

Fewer migraine attacks. This is a huge one for me because for the last 2 years I’ve suffered migraine every week with attacks lasting a minimum of 36 hours and always rendering me completely disabled. Since commencing HRT I’m only experiencing attacks in the week prior to my usual period. (Usual because I’m constantly bleeding but migraine is only present when I would normally be premenstrual.) There’s a lot of controversy over the safety of using supplemental oestrogen with migraine. However it is suggested that transdermal oestrogen is the preferred way to supplement if you have migraine. Migraine is the most debilitating, painful and abhorrent condition that I live with, it’s also problematic for my mental health, so any reduction in severity, really is huge for me.

Less intrusive thoughts. I am still experiencing anxiety and it is still a symptom that can be severe and have a profound impact on my overall mental wellness. With that said though, HRT has seemed to help take the edge off of the extreme and terrifying thoughts I was experiencing prior to starting treatment. I guess in a nutshell I’m more rational. This could also be down to the year of therapy I’ve just completed, but if I’m being honest I did not feel this level headed upon completion and believe the oestrogen has (completely contradicting myself here) stabilised some of these symptoms.

Conclusion:

More time. I spoke to the amazing gynaecologist I saw back in August this week, I’ve emailed him several times and he has always replied the same day with advice. As I am still very early into this treatment method he believes to really understand if I am not gaining any benefit, we need more time. When he said this I was really fed up. Then I took stock and really considered it. I thought about what chemical menopause might look like for my family right now and discussed with my husband the idea that we go ahead now, or wait until after Christmas. I know I’m going to need chemical menopause and ultimately surgery in the next year. I know this is a given if I want to keep myself and my family safe and reclaim my life. Because I know, categorically, that I can’t do another year of living with PMDD. The question I have to ask myself is could I do another few months of living with this slightly shorter, slightly improved, less disabling, watered down version? And the answer was, probably.

So that’s the conclusion for now. I also discussed with the gynae my fear of feeling worse when initiating GnRH injections. He proposed the idea of trialling a nasal spray in the first instance instead. I felt even via transient email communication that he had heard my fears. Ultimately, I feel as though I still have some options.

To assist with the reoccurring bleeding, hot flushes, sweating, and the intense fatigue, we are going to introduce a third pump of Oestrogel. I’ll start taking this at night and continue with my two pumps in the morning whenever I feel ready. Again – not going to pretend I’m not concerned this could make me feel worse initially, but even having the option and wiggle room to tweak the dose, is a blessing in itself.

Once again I’m ending this rather complex post with hope in my heart. I’d like to thank everyone who has answered questions for me too, it helps, and especially my fellow #PMDDpeeps over at IAPMD I am lucky to have such knowledgeable women in my corner.