The sensory disruption caused a visceral reaction in me and the tears fell. I tried to hide them from my daughter, my eldest, the one who sees all – but I knew she’d noticed.

TW⚠️ PMDD.

• Cycle: day 17📆
• Chemical Menopause: day 23💉
• Mood: Hopeless. Ashamed. Overwhelmed.🥺🔄😭

I knew I was ‘on the turn’ I woke up from a nap last evening anxious and with a montage of intrusive thoughts running through my head.

I tried to shrug it off. I was exhausted from being awake the night before with stabbing pains in my right ovary. I did an ovulation test, mostly just to prove to myself, I know my body as well as I think I do. I am still ovulating.
Logic told me, if I knew it was coming perhaps I could get on top of it?

No. This morning (18.03.23) might have gone differently if I’d had Shaun home, but he had to work and I was alone with both kids.

I told myself we needed to get outside. I called my mum to see if she wanted to come. She was busy but I told her not to worry about me. I was going to be fine.

I wasn’t fine.

I got both kids dressed ready to go out. On our way out of the door I realised I didn’t have my car keys, only to then notice the car wasn’t in the driveway. I’d forgotten that Shaun had it because his is in the garage.

No bother, we’d walk to the park.
I got the kid’s coats and shoes on, put K in the buggy then opened the front door to a thundery downpour.

Tears pricked my eyes and I could tell C was upset we weren’t going to the park after all. I got K back out of the buggy, he started screaming. The sensory disruption caused a visceral reaction in me and the tears fell. I tried to hide them from my daughter, my eldest, the one who sees all – but I knew she’d noticed.
I wanted to explain why I was crying, but doing so just made me cry more.

I don’t want to be this person, desperate to hold it together, but I am her. I’ve spent a lifetime acting impulsively. Acting on my emotions is normal for me.
Just because I’m aware of it now, doesn’t make emotional regulation easier.

I needed help.
I called Shaun to come home, but in doing that I felt an overwhelming sense of shame.
Why can’t I cope?
I was fine yesterday.
Why am I such a useless mother?
They deserve better than this.
Why can’t I stop feeling like a crazy person?
I should be able to control this by now.

Thus the shame cycle continues.

“Being told we can do anything we put our minds to, when in fact we feel utterly incapable when in crisis, perpetuates stigma”

I know it’s going to take time, not just to shut down my ovaries, but to learn new ways to channel the feelings I’m so used to acting on. Self awareness is crucial, but it isn’t a cure all solution. It doesn’t automatically give you a surefire way to break decades of habitual behaviours.

Asking for help, admitting that you don’t feel capable or able to function, parent, be rational, isn’t easy. In fact it can be an excruciatingly painful process and one of the reasons many people don’t reach out. Saying ‘I can’t’ is something we’ve been told for generations is just an excuse.

I remember as a kid hearing words like: ‘There’s no such thing as can’t’

‘You could if you wanted to’

Being told we can do anything we put our minds to, when in fact we feel utterly incapable when in crisis, perpetuates stigma. We’ve heard about toxic positivity right? I won’t dwell here, but I’m sure you get where I’m coming from when I say, I want to and I’m trying but somedays I really can’t…. Giving myself permission to admit this and trying to free myself from a cycle of shame is not instantaneous.

My solution, I’m realising, is an evolving journey of small changes, with setbacks, determination, and a whole lot of hope.

I believe in hope, because I know without it I probably wouldn’t be here.

I’ll update again after my second implant.