mental health blog

Anxiety: Mental Health Awareness Week 2023.

May 17, 2023 — Leave a comment

TW MH: ⚠️Let’s talk about this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week theme…. ANXIETY.

I had my first notable panic attack aged 13; and it changed the course of my life. I hadn’t realised all the things I’d been doing, seemingly small, but all the while, obsessive behaviours, that had embedded themselves into my life and daily routines since childhood.

Earlier that year I had taken an intentional overdose and by the end of the same year I was being homeschooled.

I moved to a new school but the anxiety continued. I had one friend, 🫶🏽 and the rest of the world thought I was nuts.

I only felt safe around my mum, and I was so terrified of something happening to her, that my relationship with her became fraught under the weight of my illness. This also coincided with me having such horrific menstrual periods to the point I would faint, and I was prescribed a cocktail of heavy duty drugs, including, a large dose of SNRI’s with a side of benzos by aged 14.

I didn’t like who I was and I didn’t understand the level of anxiety I was masking. In large because I didn’t have access to the tools required to understand or make changes, and being the only person I knew my age on antidepressants…. it was a lot.

Therapy didn’t work, because I wasn’t well or focused enough to engage.

If I felt threatened I would lash out. If I felt like I was going to be abandoned, I would act out irrationally in a bid to push people away, so I could ‘get ahead’ of their leaving. Basically, I was constantly trying to control the narrative of my life, and let me tell you, trying to constantly predict the unpredictable, is EXHAUSTING.

To this day, I live my life around a cycle of anxiety, but I understand it so much better now.

We all have anxiety. Anxiety is a normal reaction in the brain which occurs to protect us from a potential threat, but what happens when that threat isn’t there anymore?

A common analogy that a therapist once used to described anxiety to me, is like sensing a tiger in long grasses. We need our brains to cultivate a certain level of anxiety, to protect us, it’s in our genetic makeup to be alert to danger, but when we’ve established there’s no tiger, normality should resume. For those of us with long standing anxiety, or anxiety disorders, this often isn’t the case, and our brains become hyper-vigilant. This means we are on look out for the threat at all times, and our life can become very limited because of it.

There’s a lot we can do to reduce the level of anxiety we experience. Awareness of the debilitating ways in which it can show up in our lives is crucial. Because the reality is, we don’t all present in the same way. Not everybody who lives with anxiety will suffer panic attacks, some will have specific triggers or phobias that make them anxious, others’ may not know the cause of their anxiety.

I know myself that a lot of my anxiety stems from childhood and that any kind of hormonal fluctuation will exacerbate it’s effect.

There are also lots of services that provide support for those of us living with anxiety, which I will list below.

Anxiety UK offer both phone and text support for anybody experiencing anxiety.

No Panic offers advice, support, recovery programs and help for people living with phobias, OCD and any other anxiety-based disorders.

IAPT provide free short-term skills based therapy for those who are registered with a GP in England.

Mind is the UK’s largest Mental Health charity.

PANDAS provide free support to parents with mental health problems.

Chronically misunderstood- My personal experience with shame.

February 17, 2023 — 2 Comments

Content warning! Severe Mental Health chat.

I wanted to write this post – no scrap that actually, I NEEDED to write it. Not for sympathy.
Not for ‘attention’ well for attention to the topic maybe, but for my truth.
The need to share my truth of this awful rollercoaster I’m on with my health.

To the outside world my life has never looked less complicated. I’m married to the best man I’ve ever known. I have two beautiful kids. I’m writing and advocating – two of the things that set my soul on fire.

So what have I got to be so hysterical about? This week is the 4th week I’ve not been able to stay up for longer than 3 hours a day. My body is not working as it should. My mum, husband and two of my best friends have all looked after my kids during half term: a week when I should be making memories with them. 3 weeks ago I caught a common cold that left me in bed for 5 days at my mum’s house.
Off the back off that came a Fibro flare, my joints seized and neuropathy took over my extremities. This week I had some blood tests which show my inflammatory markers are high again.

The pain I’ve been trying to hide has left me angry and ashamed. I’m angry because I’m tired of having to explain that I’m sick, even though I don’t ‘look’ it. The physical and mental toll of being unwell is too much.

  • I’m angry at the world for not understanding my needs.
  • I’m angry that the sound of two people talking at once now cause visceral reactions in me, that make me want to run into oncoming traffic.
  • I’m angry because I’m ashamed that once a month during PMDD I am hysterical and I’m ashamed that I can’t look after my own children without help.
  • I’m ashamed at the way I respond to stress and stimuli.
  • I’m ashamed at myself for not being more grateful on the hard days.
  • I’m ashamed that I can’t cope with life in an admirable and inspiring way; because society deems that’s the way disabled people should cope.
  • That I’m not thriving despite anything – I’m surviving at best.

“I’m scared to be around them, in case I fuck them up with my very existence”

Yesterday I walked the dog in the rain and thought about throwing myself in the river. I don’t want to do that, but it’s a thought that niggles for 10-15 days a month, sometimes grows arms & legs & tells me my life, my wonderful life, with my beautiful family isn’t worth sticking around for.

I could and would never intentionally leave my kids, but this knowledge terrifies me too, because sometimes I’m overwhelmed by it. I’m scared to be around them, in case I unintentionally fuck them up with my very existence.

That word again: SHAME in my opinion parents are shamed for their struggles. Especially mothers.

She’s not doing enough her kids are acting out.

She’s doing too much her kids are neglected.

She needs help – those poor kids.

And on it goes, the shame cycle.

For example: usually, after a post like this I get an influx of messages from kind strangers, telling me they’re sending love, and solitary one or two messages from people I know in person. My real life friends. It’s a tough one because whilst we absolutely should not rely on external validation as a coping mechanism, it can still be difficult to tell your brain that. With social media now being our go to resource for almost everything, you think your friends and family have seen it, you think they’re rolling their eyes. And because of those insecurities, it’s hard to dismiss the notion that these feelings, intrusive thoughts and so on, are feelings we indeed should be ashamed of.

I wish she’d keep it to herself because it makes me uncomfortable!

I dunno why she writes all that stuff there’s no need it’s so cringe.

She doesn’t know how lucky she is.

If she were really feeling that bad she wouldn’t be posting about it.

And it got me thinking, is this what we want our children growing up to believe? That when they feel bad about their life they must keep quiet? That if it’s so bad they’re even possibly thinking of ending it, nobody wants to hear about it. They should only tell a doctor or someone close to them because other people, the rest of the world, might feel uncomfortable if the whole truth is shared with them? Should we be teaching our kids that their feelings don’t matter because they’re cringe to read about, silly to other people who might not understand them? Attention seeking.

It’s not about attention, but even if it is – so what? Don’t people who might be feeling suicidal, or so unwell they’re struggling to keep themselves safe, deserve attention?

Aren’t we all – just trying our best to survive, with some of us finding it easier or harder than others at different times. It’s not about comparison, who has it worse, or wanting a pat on the back for speaking out…. It’s about acceptance on a grand scale. It’s about making small changes that will lead to larger societal shifts in how we relate to each other.

For me personally, the problem isn’t with recognising feelings of shame. I’m aware of them I’m aware of behaviours that stem from them. No, for me it’s about self compassion, that’s the one thing I can’t seem to grasp and it’s a major road block in helping me execute strategies to deal with shame and all of its associated emotions.

I made some decisions this week that I hope will help me tackle this moving forward.

Radical Acceptance – What it is, and what it is not.

May 30, 2022 — Leave a comment

I’ve mentioned on my socials recently that I’ve become more accepting of certain aspects of my life. First and foremost I’ve accepted the fact that I am disabled. It’s taken me seven years to fully get on board with the idea that this is something I must accept. In fact, my acceptance came very recently whilst attending a course of Dialectal Behavioural Therapy. One of the sessions was based solely on radical acceptance and what it means.

So, tell us, what is it?

In a nutshell: Radical Acceptance is a skill in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that helps people learn how to accept very painful events, challenges, people, or aspects of their life. It’s one of the skills found in the Distress Tolerance module of DBT.

Radical acceptance for me personally has been about the above, accepting my illnesses and the fact they are life limiting, but that there are still moments, days, weeks, that are good. Sometimes even great. Radical acceptance has also played a role in how I relate to my pregnancies, my early motherhood experiences and things in my past that I cannot change. Major regrets and mistakes that I have made that have played an overwhelming role throughout my life.

So are you saying we should accept people who treat us badly, or forgive ourselves or others for things we’ve previously felt were unforgivable?

No. Foremost, radical acceptance doesn’t mean forgiveness. You can regret something you have done, dislike the part of you that did it and still accept that it happened. Similarly with actions of others. For example if you’ve been in an abusive relationship and your partner has hurt you badly, radical acceptance isn’t about forgiving the person who hurt you, or continuing to accept abuse. It is about accepting a situation, to help you gain the most peace and enjoyment from your life. If hatred for that abusive partner is eating you up, or if because of the trauma you suffered, you’re too scared to go out, practising radical acceptance can help you move forward to live a life more inline with your personal values. You do not have to forgive someone’s mistakes, you just have to stop letting them take up space in your head. I know it’s not easy. Another example for me: I have many regrets but one in particular has been eating away at me for over a decade. Everyday I was continuing to punish myself by telling myself I was not a good person. My ruminating became so bad it was affecting my parenting, I was having daily panic attacks and feeling as if my family would be better off without me. When learning about radical acceptance the psychologist advised me that I didn’t need to forgive myself, I could still hate what I’d done and understand that I could not change it. I could accept that it happened and try and build a life for myself, or I could continue to ruin my life by going over and over the same thing. In doing the latter I was hurting my family because they were worried for me, and that only served to make me feel more guilty and unloveable. RA is complex at first, but once you come to learn more about the concept, practice radical acceptance of the little things, like spilling cereal all over a freshly washed floor, the easier it becomes to do it with the big things. Like me with my regrets and my health.

Another one that I’ve been practicing (if you’ve been following my blog for sometime you may have come across me talking about this before) is the acceptance that sometimes people won’t like me and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don’t like everyone, in fact I’m quite selective in the people I call friends. But when it comes to others not liking me, I have been known to take it really personally. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s an abandonment thing, or a need for external validation. Anyway, the point is radical acceptance has helped me manage the impact of this and get outside of my own head.

If it were that easy we’d all do it

I know. And it isn’t easy. Therapy never is though. I think the first thing to remember with RA is that it’s about not fighting with your reality. Not actively trying to overcome something. Instead allowing the feelings you have about it to be there, but not take over. One of the psychologists on the course I attended, gave a good example of how to practise RA in the everyday. She used the analogy of being late. You know you’re late, you could stress and rush to get to your destination faster but you’re still going to be late. And if you stress and rush you’re likely going to feel worse. So accept that you’re late and are still going to arrive late, but this way, hopefully in a much calmer state.

You may never fully accept trauma you’ve experienced, and that’s ok.

The idea of practising radical acceptance isn’t to negate every bad feeling you’ve ever experienced, but to better manage those feelings when they are taking over your life.

Try it with the small stuff, and if it feels too traumatic to build up to the big stuff on your own, consider a course in dialectal behaviour therapy. My personal experience of DBT is that it’s worth it’s weight in gold when learning to manage painful and intense emotions. Being a big ol’ bag of emotions almost permanently, it’s been a freeing and life changing experience for me.

For more information on DBT click here

News

April 29, 2022 — 1 Comment

I’m delighted to announce I have been nominated for two categories in this years’ Mental Heath Blog Awards.

MHBA are a way to showcase patients and advocates in the mental health community and it’s an honour to have been nominated.

See full list of nominees and their categories here. Voting is open and it would mean the world to have your support. 💚

Please click here to vote. 🗳 🗳 🗳

It’s time…..

Therapy is not just for picking up broken pieces

December 22, 2020 — 5 Comments

A couple of weeks ago I had some news that really turned my world upside down a bit. I haven’t talked about it much because there is so much other stuff going on, but it’s been a struggle managing my emotions. I felt myself spiralling a bit, like I do every so often, usually when I’m due on. I decided to try and get ahead of this, so I called my GP who offered to refer me for talking therapies. I’ve had talk therapy before, many times actually, sometimes it’s helped other times not so much, but I’m never opposed to it, because I believe when you’re feeling mentally unwell you need to be open to trying things that might help. So I gratefully agreed to have a telephone appointment.

The lady I spoke to ran through a standard mental health questionnaire, then at the end she said I score mildly for depression and anxiety. I told her yes, it is mild at the moment, but I’m trying to intercept it before it gets moderate-severe. Her response was that I don’t meet the criteria at this stage for ongoing therapy. I’ve had this conversation before. I’ve written posts about it before too. I feel like this is the reason we are in the crisis we are in with mental health in this country, because we are waiting for people to be in their own full blown mental health crisis before offering them any support. I know that whilst the NHS is under so much pressure their resources might need to be elsewhere, but this isn’t a new thing; even before covid people were being turned away for not being depressed enough. Because I don’t want to die I’m not in crisis, because I’m not self harming or hurting anyone else I’m not in crisis. The sad thing is… I have wanted to die. I have self harmed and I have hurt people I love in the process of all of that. This time, this time I wanted to ask for help before I spiralled, before I lost control and needed to pick up the broken pieces of my life for the hundredth time.

Instead I got given some reading material and a thank you for my time.

This is not enough. Luckily for me. I am well aware of my triggers, I’m aware of my privilege and I have a great support network in my family. There is always the option to go private, but with my physical health being as rubbish as it is I usually need to top up care with massage or B12 injections, therapy is an added expense and when you’re down to the last penny you usually have to sacrifice one or the other. The trouble is with therapy is, it’s not just a one off cost. You have to pay this every week or every month sometimes forever and my fear is I’m one of those people that will need therapy forever. The thing with physical health is it affects our mental health too and so if I sacrifice the things that make me feel physically better, I’ll also be putting myself at a higher risk of feeling mentally worse. The struggle is real.

Life is hard right now for everyone and there will be people out there in worse situations than myself, probably not getting the help they need either. Learning to live through these times has been a colossal trek and we are all still hiking up cliffs hanging on for dear life. But mental health is not a new problem, it’s not a craze or a trend, it’s a continuous battle in the modern world, a battle that if not fought early and hard, can be and too often is, deadly. It’s a life threatening problem that we as a society have still not been able to tackle.

It’s great to post about mental health and raise awareness, open up and find solace in each other online but still this isn’t enough. Saying it’s ok to not be okay is one thing, telling people to reach out is another, neither are cures for a breakdown or social anxiety and sometimes they’re not even easy to do. I may know I’ll feel better if I reach out but doing it is a different matter all together.

So what can you do if you don’t meet the criteria for intervention but are still struggling? You can prioritise self care. You can access online support. You can reach out to family members or friends if you feel able. You can make time to read, write, do a course that makes you feel better about yourself. You can practice breathing and you can call any of the below numbers for professional support. If financially able you can look into finding private therapists that are able to support you long term. What you mustn’t do, is feel like the lack of free support available means you’re not worthy. You are. Whatever your next move is, please take this reminder that your struggles are valid. Your life still matters and you are going to make it.