I wrote a post a little over a week ago about my love for lockdown. I still love lots about it, like the family bubble and not having to worry about the outside world. In fact I still love it—full stop! Buuuuuut, I’m also losing my shit a bit. I’m still worrying about stuff that isn’t on the scale of importance to most people.
Like it’s a rollercoaster, right?
Up, down, plateauing and plummeting.
I struggle with life under normal circumstances I don’t ‘cope’ well on a daily basis. Well some might say I do cope well, and others think I’m mad.
Writing is my salvation but I have to admit there’s little inspiration flying about my gaff, so I’m losing my creative flow and my anxious mind is finding room to fill up the creative space instead.
If you suffer from anxiety you may relate to some of this. Or you might think I’m a nut job. I am.
I have a brain that understands rationale but doesn’t practice it.
I have a desperate need for reassurance and it’s exhausting to be honest: it’s exhausting for me, it’s exhausting for my friends, my family, and it’s exhausting for my husband.
Years of therapy and we’re no further forward in killing the bug that is my insecurity.
I know where it comes from – I don’t need a £50 an hour shrink to tell me about it (again).
I know it’s not rational or reasonable but I genuinely can’t help it.
I can’t help how I feel inside my head sometimes. I say sometimes, because it’s not all the time. Sometimes I am content, it can be fleeting, but it does happen.
I am one of the first people to harp on about getting the help you need when you need it for your mental health, but I have had help, lots of it in abundance, and variety.
I’m not fixed, because you can’t ‘fix’ people.
I manage better, better than I did 10 or 15 years ago, but my neediness and insecurity hasn’t dissipated, it probably never will, because it’s part of me.
It’s in my makeup to worry, fret & overthink.
During this lockdown I’ve occupied my days with all sorts of filler. Some of it has been really pleasant and some of it has been unintentionally damaging. The trouble is you don’t always know which is which until it’s too late and even things like reading books and watching TV can play a whole heap of havoc with an anxious mind.
If you too are feeling tired and needy I can only reiterate the importance of having a mental clear out! You’ve probably heard this a lot during the span of Coronavirus. I’ll say it again anyway.
Take time to find things that bring you small wins.
—Something that makes you grateful.
—Do something you enjoy like painting your toenails or going for a walk.
—Cook something exciting.
—Phone a friend.
—Be wary of what you’re watching and reading. I love nothing more than crime thrillers to read, but sometimes they get inside my head and it can create a state of heightened anxiety without me even realising it.
—Pick something you love about yourself and focus on it for a little while.
—Cuddle your kids and remind yourself you’re doing your best.
—Most importantly, be kind to yourself. It’s a tough time for all of us.
You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel. You can’t help it, but you can try to do little things that reinforce the positives. I’m trying to take my own advice today. I’m trying to do a few small things that help me feel better about myself and the current situation. Some days are all consuming and it’s ok to fall apart every now and again.
Feeling guilty about it won’t help. Instead try and concentrate on what’s needed to put yourself back together again.
I won’t profess to own the secret to a positive mindset, it’s something I battle with daily, but it’s also something that really does work if you can get the can of it. Positive minds attract positive vibes.