Wedding

Married a year, plenty of tiers

December 28, 2020 — 2 Comments

Married a year, plenty of tears and even more tiers.

It’s whole year since I wrote about getting married. One whole year since I woke up in a suite bigger than my house, in my favourite city next to the man I now call my husband.

So how’s it going? Marriage. What does it really mean? In all honestly I’m not sure I even know. It’s not what I expected, but I’m not sure what I did expect. Ok I know I’m going round the houses here, but I honestly feel a bit flat.

I love having the same name as my family, I love my husband and I loved our wedding but as far as actual marriage goes it’s been pretty unremarkable.

There was of course the initial wedding hangover, those really do suck. Wedding blues are real. All that planning, and all that pressure for one or in our case two, days.

There’s also the reality that people let you down with weddings. I came away from our wedding party after all the preparation wondering why people behaved the way they did, or why they didn’t bother showing up at all on what was essentially the biggest day of our lives. Of course some people have genuine reasons and I’m a renowned plan canceller myself, so I don’t hold grudges, but it’s definitely one of those things that whittles out the people who aren’t on you’re team, and in hindsight that’s ok. It just took a while to get to grips with.

Then you have the politics of merging families and friendships. You might have gotten away with avoiding most of the people you don’t like up till that point, but a wedding brings everyone together. It’s one of the reasons we got married on our own, so it could just be about us without having to worry about offending someone, people seem to get really offended about weddings that aren’t their own!

There has been no honeymoon period (or honeymoon) because Covid literally started for us as soon as we got back from Ireland. Shaun thinks he had it upon our return, he was in bed for two weeks with a fever and he couldn’t breathe, at the time he was diagnosed with a chest infection, he’s asthmatic so that’s not unusual in winter, but it didn’t respond to antibiotics and he lost his sense of taste for months after. Then after our wedding party in the uk we literally went into lockdown weeks later.

On the plus side, I know we were unbelievably lucky to get married in 2020 at all! With so many having their big days cancelled, and for that I am so grateful. We really did have the best wedding day ever and on a reasonably acceptable budget too.

There was a time, not too long ago where I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future. Yet at the age of thirty one I married my best friend and our dreams and plans of honeymoons and married life went kaput with the rest of the world, and whilst our celebration feels all too soon forgotten, we have memories to last a lifetime.

According to statistics printed in Bride magazine the first year is the hardest and I’m only a year in, but I’m inclined to agree. Apparently this is down to the stresses of modern living, the come down from the wedding and combining finances. But Shaun & I have lived together for six years so I’m not sure all of those are applicable to us. Maybe it is just the effects of covid, or maybe it’s that relationships are hard, and after the whirlwind of weddings and babies comes the real work! Like the realisation you have to put up with snoring for the rest of your lives, or that picking up dog shit in the garden is a way to earn brownie points.

In recent instagram polls I asked the following questions.

1. Is the first year the hardest? 24% voted yes whilst the other 76% voted no.

2. Marriage feels no different from before? 81% voted that this statement is true, marriage feels no different to before.

3. Wedding comedowns are the worst. 85% voted for yes, and 15% voted no, not sure of its relevance but most of the people that voted no, were male.

4. Has lockdown negatively impacted your marriage? Surprisingly for a long while the vote was overwhelmingly, no. But eventually finished on 42% voting yes, lockdown has in some way negatively impacted their marriage.

When I asked that final question, I had an influx of messages about how people were finding their spouse’s overwhelmingly irritating, but they by no means were filing for divorce. I think this is what resonated with me. This last year Shaun and I have probably argued more, spent less quality time together and just generally pissed each other off more than ever before. However we’ve also been there for each other and so despite feeling like I want to kick him in the dick, I’m still very much grateful that I have him to lean on. I definitely don’t regret getting married.

Usually we’d spend our anniversary weekend, which is also my husband’s birthday, in Ireland. But with Lockdown that’s not possible. Instead I’ve been frantically Pinteresting date nights at home and first anniversary present ideas. When all I really feel like doing is hiding under the covers covering up that 2020 Xmas and New Year bulge. I’m also pregnant now so there won’t even be any champagne or Guinness!

Despite all of this, I know with a full heart we are lucky to have each other and the fact we’ve survived this year at all is a blessing, the fact we survived it together was dedication.

Married AF

January 26, 2020 — 1 Comment

So, a  week ago, I did it. I gave up my maiden name, the one that’s always been the same as my Mum and Sister.

The one that’s seen me through years of happiness and heartache. I could of kept it, of course I could, but I wanted the same name as my daughter and if we’re being honest, I like how it sounds. I feel like I outgrew Steph Skelton a long time ago (if you know me, you’d get this) but it was the only name I had, so I was stuck with it.

Anyway – I’ve decided to write a bit about the wedding, why we decided to go away on our own and do it in private without an audience, and whether I feel like it was the right decision.

When we actually decided to go ahead and get married, not when we got engaged, but when we agreed to tie the actual knot, we decided we couldn’t be bothered to try and please anyone.

We didn’t want to invite people for the sake of it. We didn’t want to spend money we didn’t have (later we found out it’s impossible not to) We didn’t want to feel obliged to invite people we didn’t like, and most importantly, we wanted to make it solely about us. I was met with bouts of criticism over my decision. People told me I’d regret it, people couldn’t believe we weren’t taking our daughter, but the opinions we really cared about on a whole were positive.

Some of my friends have said they wished they kept their own weddings small, most of them supported our decision to do it exactly how we wanted.

So, do I think it was the right decision? ABSOLUTELY! One hundred percent, the best decision I have ever made. It was THE best day EVER. The ceremony wasn’t drawn out, but it was heartfelt. We had each written our own vows and they turned out to be almost identical. Cute eh? It was lush. Our only two witnesses were the photographer and his wife and they both cried, even tho they hadn’t met us before that day.

Love literally powered the day, as well as laughter.

I have so many funny stories, but because we are having a party in 2 weeks I’m trying to save them for that. I promise to come back to the details.

We walked the streets of Dublin in full wedding attire with a photographer in tow and a pint of Guinness never far from hand. It was magical. We chose Dublin because it was one of the first places we visited together and now we return every year on Shaun’s birthday. The people of Ireland are naturally, much friendlier than us Brits, and we didn’t buy our own drinks all night!

Suffice to to say we were drunk, and Saturday was spent in our suite all day with 3 lots of room service.

I can’t wait to celebrate with our family and friends but I’m glad the ceremony was just for us. It’s a time only we will be able to reminisce about, and one that nobody was able to dampen or disturb. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, I just mean we got to concentrate on the people whose day it was, ours.

I don’t regret not taking our daughter, she will be at the party which she is classing as the ‘proper wedding’ and one day I hope she will find it romantic that her mum & dad we’re so in love they wanted to do it their way. So no, I don’t regret our elopement (it wasn’t a secret) one bit. I am looking forward to seeing everyone and doing the traditional parts of the wedding like speeches, cake cutting and a proper first dance.

I also feel like getting married has recovered some of the confidence I had recently lost. I’m overweight, and I’ve been battling with it for some time.

However, that day, I felt sexy, I felt beautiful and even looking back at pics in my undies with my gunt squeezed into Spanx before I got dressed (see attached) I feel content.

Shaun looked handsome AF. We laughed so much and it’s a bubble that I wish I could lock myself inside forever.

I made no secret of the fact I was worried about getting married. Cold feet if you like. I wanted Shaun to want to marry me, but the closer it got to the big day I wasn’t sure I was ready. It felt final somehow, and I was unsettled. I didn’t want to get married unless it was a fairytale, but life ain’t a fairytale is it?

That said, I think it’s the closest I’ll ever get to being rescued on a white horse. (Even if we had a chauffeur that talked non stop about his divorce) 🤣

I will cherish these memories for a lifetime and I will try and hold them close in future when Im feeling stabby.

PS: If you follow me on socials, photos are sure to spam your life, both wedding & wedding party ones are very much still to come. Getting married and feeling content has taught me to care a lot less about what other people think and spend more time caring about what I think about myself, and right now, I’m happy with me.

It’s not your wedding.

October 22, 2019 — 1 Comment

I’m getting married, to my best friend, in January. We gave ourselves 6 months of planning only, and here we are 3 months into this planning and of course stressed beyond belief but equally excited.

I decided to do a little research for this blog by speaking to ladies who are already married about the things that stressed them out the most during planning, and the majority of answers were the same. Friends or family (or both) who didn’t fully support them. Mother in laws being too interfering, some even said their own Mother’s drove them mad. I feel lucky I’ve not encountered problems with either Mum or MIL both supportive of our decision to go away and get married on our own. Also on the list of things causing chaos was sweating the small stuff, colour schemes, and table decs etc and this I really relate to. I’ve collated some of the answers I collected and added in some of my own experience so far to create this blog but the disclaimer is that not everything I’ve written is from personal experience even though most of it is written in first person narrative.

Everyone has their ideal day mapped in their minds. It’s something we are programmed to dream about since day dot, or at least it was if you grew up female in the 80s/90s. When I first started envisioning my wedding it was a lavish affair. But, that was when I was imagining marrying someone else, who paid me zero attention so the only way to draw any would of been to make myself centre of it. Don’t get me wrong every bride deserves to be centre of attention on their wedding day, but what I mean is, during that relationship that would of probably been the only time I was centre of his anything unless it was amidst a screaming match.

Now I’m marrying my best friend and I’m always centre of his world, and him mine. He is a douche bag, who infuriates me with his horizontally relaxed ethos and lack of ability to make a decision, but he also puts up with me and my unhinged personality so I’d say we balance each other out. Yin and Yang if you will.

When we got engaged it was special. As you imagine it should be, a Christmas affair in a lovely stately home style hotel, with a roll top bath and hot tub on our balcony. When we eventually made the decision to get married two years after our engagement, it was special on another level because we both decided there and then that we wanted it to be just about us. There was no pull as to who wanted what, because we wanted the same thing. So when we tell you we’re going away to get married on our own, We’re not inviting you to give us your opinion on why we should do it differently. In fact the first time I heard ‘I wouldn’t do it like that’ (and believe me I have heard it, more than once) I was quite shocked and remember thinking, good job it’s not your wedding then love!

Wedding’s are occasions that vary in design, expense, cultures, lavishness and numbers. They are unique to two people who have chosen a way they wish to cement their love. Sounds cheesy but that’s the long and short of it. Let them have it their way. Weddings are important and the fact you’re being invited to share in celebrations with people, means they think you’re important too! One of the common themes these brides found when planning was, they were made to feel guilty in some way for some of their choices.

I thought before writing this that it would go without saying, to not to make the bride and groom feel bad about their decisions. Whether it be because they haven’t managed to organise their hen and stag doo around your family holiday. Or because they have chosen a main course you’re not keen on for the wedding breakfast. Or because their dream venue isn’t somewhere you’re able to get to on foot. Your mum is moaning auntie Doris who’s 86 (and whom you haven’t seen for 20 years) won’t like the music you’ve chosen for the first dance. And why haven’t you invited your dad’s cousin Jeff and his wife, just because you don’t see them ever doesn’t mean they wouldn’t want to come. So you’ve invited that person but not that person?

Don’t make the happy couple feel awkward for not inviting the boyfriend or girlfriend you’ve only been seeing for 5 weeks, or your child. Because there are probably 30 other short term boyfriends and girlfriends not invited and 100 other kids staying with babysitters.

When asked how they came to choose their preferences of not inviting these people the common answer was along the lines of: It’s not because they hate your kids, it’s more likely to be because they don’t want you to have to be a responsible parent at their party.

It’s not because they don’t like your new partner: it’s probably because they don’t know them and by inviting them they may have to sacrifice inviting people they do know and love for affordability or space reasons.

So they haven’t put on a coach for you to get home. Sorry about that, the money has probably gone on welcome drinks instead, or maybe bridesmaid dresses, or wedding favours. It’s one day in their lifetime (and yours) you may have to spend a bit more than usual on getting to a gathering they’ve organised.

Another common denominator amongst things that upset the bride were, bridesmaids moaning about their dresses, guests not bothering to R.S.V.P (it’s stressful when we don’t know average numbers) and people being too casually open when giving their opinion on your choices.

You don’t like the colour scheme, has she not seen Wedding House? Gold doesn’t go with pink for goodness sake. The wedding dress isn’t something you’d be seen dead in, and what do you mean she’s doing her own makeup? ON HER WEDDING DAY? You wouldn’t do it like that would you? Maybe you’re already married and you did it differently, or maybe it’s not what you’d choose for your upcoming nuptials but this day, this day your friends’ have chosen, gone to great lengths to plan and invited you to share, it isn’t your day is it?

Maybe, like me, you’re a bride who’s a bit disappointed in the groom’s lack of interest in colour schemes and balloon arches, and you can feel bridezilla creeping in as the date draws nearer…. I mean for fuck sake can you just paint some pine cones and help me! A friend of mine recently said to me in a bid to chill me out, that maybe it’s because all he’s interested in is making you his wife and shouting about it with a toast of his favourite tipple. (What a lovely way of looking at it.) He’s marrying you, try and remember that!

According to the women I asked there is never a day where a woman feels as insecure yet equally as confident, as that of her wedding day. I may change my opinion post wedding as mine hasn’t arrived yet, but how I feel now as a bride to be is more on the insecure side and it doesn’t help when I have everyone asking me if I’m on a diet for the big day, no I’m eating my way into my dress thanks, fuck off.

If your a friend of the Bride’s she may be feeling like this too. Don’t add to her rollercoaster of emotions by giving your opinion about her choices unless it’s helpful, or she asks for it. To say you don’t like the bridesmaid dresses she suggested for you is not only in bad taste but it’s also not about what you like. Unless it looks atrocious because it doesn’t fit or it’s totally the wrong shape for you, the colour and style doesn’t have to be yours, because it’s not your wedding. A bit like when she gives you 3 months notice for a dress fitting you can’t make and you’re compelled to tell her you’ve had to ask your mum to have your kid for an hour or you’ve taken a half day at work. She doesn’t need to know that and deep down you know she’d do the same for you without making you feel bad about it. Have you ever heard of groomsmen moaning about the dates of the suit fitting, or the colour of his cravat? She’s chosen you to be part of her big day because she loves you, and because you love her you’ll let her have what she wants for one day in her life. She’ll return the favour for you, because that’s what friends do.

Weddings mean different things to different people but to everyone I’ve asked they’ve all said important things for them were having their friends and family celebrate with them, and loving the person they were marrying. They all said they wished they didn’t get so irate about flowers and table plans, but put their foot down about the things that’s were important to them. They just wanted to have fun and realised nothing small mattered on the big day.

Newlyweds want you to be sincere in your presence. They want you to get behind their marriage and root for them! Cheer from the sidelines and pat them on the back in taking the next step with their relationship. They’re in love, so help them celebrate that by being their cheerleader. Even if on your day your dream is as different to theirs as land is to sea. For just one day be part of someone else’s dream.