⚠️ TW: Mental Health/ Premenstrual Dysphoria.

On the 20th April I had my 3rd Zoladex implant to treat PMDD.

I wrote another post earlier on my journey where I explain why I didn’t feel the implant was helping me. For the first two cycles I still ovulated and therefore had severe symptoms as I normally would.

There have been some changes. Not drastic or particularly miracle-like, but changes nonetheless. This time last month I was on holiday with my family, on my daughter’s birthday, crying in the dark of a painfully small caravan bedroom. I was in crisis.

It’s funny, (not really) that I use the term crisis every month, but when you’re considering walking out on your life, or ending it, I feel crisis to be an apt noun.

I also mention in my earlier blog, the feelings of shame which arrive with menses, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my life, again!

Changes

Last week, after yet another email to my gynaecologist explaining that I’m still cycling, and him responding with it being ‘interesting’, I was feeling really disheartened, and as we’re here being honest, absolutely terrified! It’s usual for me to worry about how I’ll make it through another cycle, but when I’m using drastic measures, such as turning off my ovaries to reclaim my life, and I still feel like shit, the worry overspills.

After days of palpitations I was started experiencing the odd intrusive thought, and I knew it was coming. The darkness was about to descend and I did my absolute best to ward it off. I went for walks, even when I was so exhausted I felt as though I was being dragged. I forced myself not to shout at my kids when I felt overstimulated, and you know what happened? Nothing. The darkness is hovering like a fine fog, but it hasn’t yet descended. You know what’s so great about a fine fog? You can still see what’s in front of you.

I’m abso-fucking-lutely delighted to report that I feel alright, when I would normally be on the edge of my sanity. When I say alright I don’t mean without symptoms, but I do mean with so many less symptoms than I’d usually experience in PMDD.

There are of course still undesirable symptoms that come with chemical menopause, such as these wretched palpitations I keep referring to. I’ve also experienced an increase in migraine attacks which is pretty shit considering how well managed migraine has been for me since commencing HRT. Ovary pain has also been persistent and the usual joint pain with fatigue of fibromyalgia is still present. However, I’ll take the occasional attack and the constant thud-thudding of my heart, over the churning of negativity in my brain. I can cope with more brain fog, and even joint pain (if it’s possible for me to suffer with this more than I do already) if it means not questioning my own sanity, and finally being able to trust my own thoughts.