Dear Steph – My Partner Slept With My Friend Before We Were Together.

I’ve been with my partner 4 years. We’re happy, we’ve got a child together and for the most part, things are great. I found out recently whilst on a night out, that not long before we got together he had slept with one of my friends. She’s a close friend. Neither of them have ever told me, or given the slightest inkling of a history together. I only found out because another friend of ours thought I knew and brought it up. When I asked my partner about it he admitted it straight away, no hesitation or awkwardness.

He acted as though it was no big deal because it only happened once before we were together.

The issue isn’t that they did it, it’s that neither of them thought it important enough to tell me about. My friend now has a partner too and they are expecting a child together so it’s not as though I’m worried about them hooking back up, it’s the fact they just never told me.

I haven’t yet confronted my friend, I don’t know whether I even should. What would you do? I feel really betrayed, but we weren’t together so do I even have a right to feel this way?

Sam. X

Sent from Samantha’s IPhone

Dear Sam,

Thanks for confiding in me. I’m sorry you had to find out this way from someone who wasn’t your partner or your friend in question. I have to be honest and agree with you that rightly or wrongly, I too would feel a bit betrayed. Some people may argue that it’s absolutely none of your business who your partner slept with before you were together and I’d be inclined to agree with them also, BUT I think given that it was with your friend, the decent thing would have been to tell you when she realised you and he were getting involved. Having said this, it doesn’t change anything. They slept together before you and your partner had gotten together, they aren’t still sleeping together. Your friend has a baby on the way and you have as you mentioned, a ‘great’ relationship. Do you want to rock the boat? Because the reality is, though you might feel as though you’re owed an explanation it’s likely there isn’t much of one to be given. It sounds to me as though they omitted to tell you because they didn’t want to upset you. I’m with you on the fact that your friend probably should of told you. Nobody wants to think of their bff having seen their partner’s genitals, or but again – it changes nothing. Your partner didn’t owe you any loyalty at the time as you weren’t together and I’m assuming from your description didn’t know each other well. Your friend probably didn’t want to hold you back or hinder your relationship once you had started dating. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to handle this. Though I do think it’s you who needs to think about what you’ll gain from having it out with your friend, and if finding out why they didn’t tell you would put your mind at ease and keep your relationships in tact, then go for it. But if it’s only going to leave you with more questions – how many times – did your friend like him – did her like her – etc etc then I would leave it in the past. Your partner told you the truth when you asked, you’re happy, your friend is happy with someone else. Sometimes we have to let shit go. Especially shit we can’t change. I hope you manage to make peace with it one way or another.

Much love,

Steph. 💞

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