27 weeks of growing you.

It’s been a long one, one full of apprehension, appointments, medication, embarrassment, but smiles too.

Last week I had a recurring shingles infection outbreak, it meant I had to go back on antiviral medication and it was painful. During this time we had to see a midwife for a routine appointment and because I can no longer attend these appointments on my own, your dad drove me and got to hear your heartbeat live, for the first time. That was smile number one.

On Thursday I attended the hospital again for some blood tests, and also had a GTT or glucose tolerance test as they are known, to check for gestational diabetes. I have been dreading this test. I had one with your sister too, though I have diabetes in my family, I wasn’t considered high risk during my first pregnancy. This time though due to BMI and hypertension, I was convinced gestational diabetes was a given. The test was painless but it’s effects on my body, fasting, blood taken on an empty stomach with only pain killers rattling round in there made me sick. The drive was uncomfortable, the wait in between the same. I felt like dog shit. The twenty four hours that followed scared me. It was your sister’s birthday party the weekend following the test, and I was panicky about not being able to indulge in birthday cake. Thankfully though, I found out on the morning I DIDN’T have gestational diabetes, my relief was tangible, I cried real tears. Finally a sliver of hope amongst what has otherwise been an assault on my body.

Friday morning I took my recently hired mobility scooter for a spin. It pains me to say that this was difficult. It shouldn’t have been, but deep rooted in my psyche is inherent ableism. I didn’t get questioning looks, but I did get a lot of sympathetic smiles, which in truth were almost as uncomfortable as the former would of been. However, with that in mind, I enjoyed a morning out with our family, and that inspired smile number two.

Saturday arrived and your sister was buzzing for her birthday party, we’re still under strict restrictions here so she was only allowed one friend, but it was her bestie, Maddie. It was wonderful, your nanny, daddy & I all dressed up in fancy dress and I painted your sister and Maddie’s faces. Using the crutches has become increasingly difficult and painful for me, making my fibromyalgia scream, so after a few hours I was beat. But smile number 3 was the best, seeing your sister’s happy face and feeling like under the circumstances I had given her the best possible birthday party, was a moment to cherish and be proud of. I couldn’t sleep last night because the pain following has been so unbearable and today your Daddy took your sister out for the day so I could get some rest. The pain of carrying you on top of my illness is becoming harder to control the more you grow. The hardest part of all this is the limitations on the medication that is safe for me to take whilst carrying you. I worry how I will care for you when you arrive.

In under two weeks time we have another scan to check your growth and also to discuss how you might enter the world. I think I’d like to have a planned induction this time if it’s possible for me to avoid cesarian. Your sister was induced and it definitely wasn’t easy but in comparison to pregnancy, labour isn’t something that scares me.

Tomorrow is your sister’s fifth birthday and we will celebrate again despite the pain I’m in, because us mums push through for our kids, but I know I’ll need time to recover again afterwards. I have an occupational therapist visiting next week to see if I am suitable for some more adaptations to help me see out the rest of this pregnancy with limited mobility.

I am staying strong, and so are you. Keep it up. We’re doing okay you and me.

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