Thanks for stopping by to read my blog. I guess I should share a bit about myself and why I decided to write a blog in the first place.
I’m 32 years old. I have a daughter who’s almost 4 and a husband who’s 36. We live in Bristol, after having lived in the beautiful City of Bath our whole lives we decided to move to Bristol when the opportunity for a home swap came up, earlier this year.
Before I had my daughter in 2016 I endured a long, painful and dark pregnancy that I was sure was going to kill me after causing me a nervous breakdown. And when I was told at 37 weeks I had preeclampsia, it nearly did.
I hated being pregnant, detested it. The shame I felt over not being ‘grateful’ for this ‘gift’ really damaged my mental health. I was immobile due to SPD (Symphis, pubic, dis function) I had to give up the things I enjoyed, like smoking (which was of course a good thing) but I felt deprived. I felt constantly sick and was often incapacitated with migraines. From 16 weeks I was on crutches and by 25 weeks, a wheelchair, the depression continued.
When my beautiful baby girl was born, I was sure that would be the end of the stress, but she was born addicted to antidepressant medication I was taking during pregnancy and was in NICU for over a week, leaving me helpless, crippled by guilt and useless to her. Of course the stress vamped up even more and when we brought her home and colic started.
For 12-15 hours a day every day, my kid screamed. She screamed so loudly our neighbours had to come and check she was ok, more than once. My partner and I almost killed each other, I couldn’t wait for time away from her, of course prompting more guilt and shame.
Then something amazing happened, she turned 6 months old, she started sleeping, napping twice a day and laughing. And that laugh, that tiny little cackle of a laugh is what saved me. What saved our family.
Our little darling still has tantrums, screams, hits, throws herself on the floor, you know, the usual. But it doesn’t matter, because nothing, nothing, is as bad as the 12-15 hours a day screaming was.
Since having our daughter our family bond has cemented. We are a family of three and we’re thriving on love and wotsits.
Her eating habits are shit, she never shuts up and she often has a meltdown if you give her the wrong coloured cup, but she’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Cliché but so fucking true.
I’ve always loved to write, it’s served as an outlet for me throughout my life. In my teen years it was dark poetry and gritty half novels, and in my adult years it’s been my thoughts, life events and opinions.
So I’m currently penning my first domestic novel in an attempt to follow my dream.
After our daughter was born I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a neuropathic pain condition that affects our neurotransmitters and how our brain perceives pain. I’ve suffered with chronic pain my whole life, but doctors think trauma of childbirth really upped the ante. Add this to the already debilitating hormone imbalance I have, and it’s a hard fight.
Some days I am unable to get out of my bed, carry my child, cook a meal, some days I can’t even take a shower, but still I fight. The fight is long, and I often feel like giving up, but instead I write. I write everything down, from the good to the bad and ugly. I use Instagram and Facebook to spread awareness of causes close to my heart. Trying to keep it real and remind us that just because you don’t see something on the surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
And that’s about it really, I don’t smoke anymore but I am a professional vaper. I’ve replaced wild nights out with copious amounts of tea drinking, (still do like a wild one every now and then) and I love, love, love, to read.
On that note, I hope you enjoy reading my blog.